Moving Forward…

All I can do at this point is continue to transition my life into what I wish for it to be.  With no attachments I can take the time I need to take.  Although, I’d love to have my friend, I can do it alone; no doubt.  but it hurts… like 2 hearts that have been stitched together, then RIPPED apart…. It hurts!!!

I feel like I’m planning a betrayal of sorts… Like I’m plotting out an evil scheme. That couldn’t be further from the truth, I’m making changes that NEED to be made in order to for ME to be happy!!!!

There is but ONE person I can honestly see in my future… when my children have grown up and left home… when my mom is too old to keep me company… friends too preoccupied to look my way… If only he could be as patient as I.  If only he knew my heart’s intent.

I feel as though I’m losing everything I’m working toward AS I work for it… like Im moving backward as I walk forward.  All I can do, is continue to build my life, and have faith that I’ll end up with the person with whom I belong… whether it’s “he” or not. Perhaps I haven’t met him yet, Maybe I have and just don’t recognize his worth yet… either way; Im just looking and working toward my happiness…

As I work… I have to pray I lose what I have at this moment… Lose the obsession, the friendship, the love, the discord, the history, the pain, the joy, the hurt and anticipation, the dreams of tomorrow, I need to lose EVERYTHING we wanted, EVERYTHING we talked about…  I just need to lose all of it, start over.  I can’t live in silence with him… exiled from him… any longer.  Its either all or nothing and at this moment….. its nothing; so in return, its nothing from me!! It hurts; but gets easier as time passes… Soon enough, it’ll all just be a memory. Its up to me to determine whether that memory is good or bad!!

To Be Continued….

Stuck.

Tags

We’re SO close but I just can’t reach him…
An arm’s length apart and I still can’t see him…
Its like feeling a ghost pass thru your SOUL and not knowing whether to be afraid or embrace it…

Chest pains…

What do you do when your “heart”  has given up on you… and it hurts to breathe…?
Not your heart in the literal sense, but the human form of the word. Whether it be your man, woman, mom, dad, children… Etc.
How can one function without a heart…? You can’t.

To Be Continued…

We will NEVER forget?!?!

I’ve been debating for about a week or so, what to write in tribute to Sepetmeber 11, 2001. That day was traumatic, to say the least and in the wake of traumatic experiences we tend to block things from memory. I’m not a doctor or scientist or anything of the sort but in MY (non) expert opinion, I believe our brains do that to protect us from going thru that pain OVER & OVER & OVER again, reliving the trauma in our minds and the emotional stress of it all chipping away at us, until we’re left mere shells of our former selves.
I didn’t actually realize this until watching TLC this weekend and finding myself emotionally OVERWHELMED within 20 minutes of the show (“Heroes of the 88th floor”). I literally had to take an anxiety pill to help me calm down. I couldn’t watch anymore, I had to let it go.

I said all of that to say this, Do we REALLY need to actually REMEMBER?
YES, we should ALWAYS remember and NEVER forget those who lost their lives and the families and people it affected, but do we have to be reminded of the devastation? The people covered in ash, the screams, the darkness?
Im sorry, I don’t want to remember that… Just like I don’t enjoy watching SLAVE movies, nor would I ever want to watch an actual ASSAULT, or RAPE live and in progress, I don’t want to continuously be reminded of the feeling I had on THIS day 10 years ago!!! Just typing this and recalling in memory the way I felt, makes my stomach weak.
The way I’d like to remember is by remembering the PEOPLE… thats what its about. The people that were lost. Not to be continuously reminded of how we were essentially RAPED and ASSAULTED and left SLAVES of our own fault… enslaved by those WE trained and in the end WE lose!!
I don’t want to remember… Let me forget!!

Go to: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,62151,00.html for a list of those lost on September 11, 2001.

For Tracy…

I could tell today would be different when I woke up this morning.  The air moving through my room was thick and hot, making my wife beater cling to my breasts like saran wrap, nipples perky and peeking through like I had entered a wet T-shirt contest. My boyshorts wedged between my thighs, hugging my pussy like a jock strap.

There was a knock at the door, It’s only 8am and I’m not expecting anyone… so I hesitate opening, allowing the weed smoke to subside from the wake & bake I was indulging myself in.  I peep through the peep hole and that’s when I saw her for the first time.  Skin the color of English toffee, big beautiful eyes graced with lashes that reminded me of butterfly wings, long and airy… but her lips… her lips were supple and pink. I could only imagine how they tasted or how they would feel against mine, hips and thighs thick like cornbread, making my mouth water.  By this time a couple minutes had passed, so she stepped back and smiled as if she knew I was watching and she was allowing me to see EVERYTHING… She was teasing me, so I opened up…

Not sure what she was thinking but all I could seem to say was “YES!”… of course she thought it was a question, but in my mind it was the answer.

“Im Tracy, your new neighbor… Im sorry to trouble you, but my puppy seemed to have slipped under your fence, have you seen her?” she said with a smile…

As she handed me the photo, I couldn’t help but to tell her she was gorgeous… she  blushed as she fluffed her honey blonde fro with her fingers. “Thanks, so are you…”

I could feel my breath getting shallow and the blood rushed to my head, I felt like I was high in her presence. I asked her to come in and she happily obliged.

I offered her a mimosa, she accepted and immediatley started chatting about her reasons for moving to the area and other personal issues I cared NOTHING about… but I could sit and stare at her lips for hours, so I humored her and stayed quiet as she spoke. After our 4th glass of wine, I was feeling a little forward so I asked her to come to my room.

“I can get dressed and we can finish our conversation…” I said

She followed without hesitation…

As we stepped into my room the same muggy summer heat engulfed me like I had walked into the Sahara. So I opened a window… and she kissed me! Just as the wind blew the curtains open as if it had whispered my fantasies in her ear.  The breeze revealed my secrets, so I kissed her back to confirm they were true.

Her lips tasted of sweet, ripe, mango and just as juicy.  I couldn’t hold back, it was like my body was craving hers… Like I was dehydrated and she was H2O… I NEEDED IT!

I laid her back on my bed (still messy and unmade) and lifter her dress. As I slid underneath and ran my nose from her cunt to her neck, breathing her scent into me and holding my breath.  I felt her exhale and the sound of her breathing made me want her more. I had never been with a woman and hadn’t had sex with a man in 6 months, but it was something about her…

I knew today would be different…

I pulled her panties down to her feet and licked up her leg to her thigh and back down the other side. My tongue danced all over her body, to her stomach, circling her nipples and up to her neck, but I saved the best for last…

I sucked and kissed my way back down her torso to the sweet nectar that was waiting between her legs. 

She moaned and squirmed… Squirmed and moaned, getting louder as I got closer to where she wanted me to be.

I reached my final desitnation and landed on her clit, my lips surrounding it. I sucked and flicked it with my tongue… I spread her lips, and with my mouth around her pussy, I sucked and sopped her juices up with my tongue like a bird in a bird bath.

I could tell by her moans that she liked it.  She grabbed at the sheets and pulled her hair.  So I kissed her lips like she had kissed mine earlier… but these lips had juices creeping down her thigh… I cupped my tongue and licked up every drip as not to waste a drop… she was priceless… her juices like melted gold, I wanted all of it!!

As my lips found its way back to her sweet spot I slid my fingers in and sucked her clit like a cherry straight off the tree.  I pushed my fingers deeper as she thrust her hips forward pushing her pussy in my mouth… pushing back and forth quicker and harder.  Her breaths getting farther apart and moans growing louder… I sucked her clit and licked her front to back tasting ALL OF HER!!

Her legs began to shake and lift off the bed.  Her pussy swollen and gaping open like it was asking for me.  She screamed and like the leavies had broken, I was drowned in her.

Her body shaking uncontrollably as I kissed down her thigh.  She giggled… breathing out as if her orgasm was a relief, she looked down at me drunk with pleasure. 

“Now its your turn” she said, pulling me down to the bed and ripping my soaked boyshorts down past my hips… tasting, licking, and drinking me in like vitamin water…

I KNEW today would be different!!

So they say we’re C U R S E D…

Its been said that the women in MY family… are CURSED… O_o

They say our relationships are destined to failure… but Im not settling for that!!!

I CAN’T…

I think I’ve figured out what they consider a “curse” but I consider more of a frame of mind… a way of thinking, per se’!

We… (the women in my family) are/were all destined for greatness (as Im sure you all feel  about YOUR families… I hope) but we have been known to let L O V E get in the way of our destinies… cloud our judgement, I’d say. Its time for all of that to stop… the buck stops HERE!!

When looking for love, we’ve come across THAT man… THE man we used to dream about when we were in highschool. You know… the Doctor… the Lawyer… the “Rapper” etc. (*giggles* everyone had their OWN dreams) but upon meeting THE man of our dreams… he turned out to be ARROGANT… DEMANDING… and CONDESCENDING (to no end… UGH) and not to mention a LIAR, a CHEATER & a SCUM BAG. *eye roll*

So of course being the “strong willed” BITCHES that we are… that.shit.did.not.last!!! (for any of us) S M H… go figure!

and we’ve all ended up with REGULAR ass men (at some point)… (which is a beautiful thing… aint shit wrong with a down to earth… regular ass dude) who goes to work… and provides for his family…

 but there is this ONE thing!!

NOW… they all seem to think WE’RE too good for them, or THEY are not good enough for US (because, they’re either not established enough financially where they feel like they can take care of us the way we want/need to be taken care of OR they’re afraid they’re DICKS aren’t big enough to satisfy us sexually… *shrugs*) 

and in turn they end up smothering us to death and/or treating us like we’re CONSTANTLY looking for someone BETTER!!! S M H…

NO… WE’RE NOT (YET)… WE BEEN THERE… DONE THAT and all that other shit sounds like a PERSONAL PROBLEM to me!!!!

Ugh…

This shit gets SO FUCKING OLD…

Why the fuck is it so hard to find a man with as much confidence as me, who is as SECURE as I am, withOUT them being OVERBEARING… ARROGANT… CONDESCENDING… CONTROLLING… JEALOUS… CONTRADICTORY… HYPOCRITICAL… JUDGEMENTAL… CHILDISH… INCONSIDERATE… J E R K S?!?!?!?

Why is it so hard to find someone WITHOUT these fine qualities?????

They’re either too much of EVERYTHING or not e-fucking-nough of ANYTHING!!!!!!

*screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmssssssssssssssssssssss*

*breathes deep*

Ok… upon starting this post, I thought I had a solution for this predicament we keep finding ourselves in… but upon ENDING this post, I’ve realized that I DON’T!!!

*le’sigh*

Sometimes I just feel like I need guidance… S M H!

I WANT to have love… but I also WANT to have myself… I don’t LIKE losing myself in love… I don’t want to be that girl that’s watching the clock everytime I step out, to make sure I don’t stay out too late, because my man is gonna think Im cheating. I don’t want to be that girl that loses all her friends because “she got a man now”. I don’t LIKE that chick… and that chick AIN’T me!!!!!!

Help. . . :-(

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