All I can do at this point is continue to transition my life into what I wish for it to be.  With no attachments I can take the time I need to take.  Although, I’d love to have my friend, I can do it alone; no doubt.  but it hurts… like 2 hearts that have been stitched together, then RIPPED apart…. It hurts!!!

I feel like I’m planning a betrayal of sorts… Like I’m plotting out an evil scheme. That couldn’t be further from the truth, I’m making changes that NEED to be made in order to for ME to be happy!!!!

There is but ONE person I can honestly see in my future… when my children have grown up and left home… when my mom is too old to keep me company… friends too preoccupied to look my way… If only he could be as patient as I.  If only he knew my heart’s intent.

I feel as though I’m losing everything I’m working toward AS I work for it… like Im moving backward as I walk forward.  All I can do, is continue to build my life, and have faith that I’ll end up with the person with whom I belong… whether it’s “he” or not. Perhaps I haven’t met him yet, Maybe I have and just don’t recognize his worth yet… either way; Im just looking and working toward my happiness…

As I work… I have to pray I lose what I have at this moment… Lose the obsession, the friendship, the love, the discord, the history, the pain, the joy, the hurt and anticipation, the dreams of tomorrow, I need to lose EVERYTHING we wanted, EVERYTHING we talked about…  I just need to lose all of it, start over.  I can’t live in silence with him… exiled from him… any longer.  Its either all or nothing and at this moment….. its nothing; so in return, its nothing from me!! It hurts; but gets easier as time passes… Soon enough, it’ll all just be a memory. Its up to me to determine whether that memory is good or bad!!

To Be Continued….

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